Raise your hand if you ever knew your marriage or
relationship was over and yet you stayed anyway?
Question: How happy were you?
Answer: Probably miserable.
Here is the funny thing. I already knew my marriage was over
before my ex husband ever walked out. Over the last two years of marriage, I
had on several occasions tried adding up the value of our assets and
liabilities trying to get a clear picture of our net worth. Then I divided it
in half. I tried to calculate our future net worth – like if we stayed together
for two more years or three more years. I really wanted our debt paid off first
before we took any drastic action.
I was doing this, and yet I still hadn’t really admitted to
myself that it was over. I told myself that I was doing this as a precaution.
Practical, I like to plan for worst-case scenarios. I didn’t want to be caught
off guard if we did break up.
I can pinpoint the exact moment when I admitted to myself
that the marriage was over. July 2007, I was on a flight to Germany. Without my
husband. My sister’s fiancé at the
time had a house in Germany that they visited often and this time he invited me
to tag along and keep my sister company.
Listening to Linkin Park on my I-pod, their song ‘Shadow Of
The Day’ came on. With lyrics like ‘sometimes solutions aren’t so simple,
sometimes goodbye’s the only way’ and ‘the sun will set for you’ the song
really grabbed me. I had heard it countless times before, but on this trip I
attached personal meaning to it. What I heard was a song about closure, about a
relationship coming to an end, about the sun setting, bringing with it a
peaceful end. Is that what the band really meant for fans to get out of it? I
don’t know. Songs are subjective really.
So why did I stay?
Because after I admitted to myself that the marriage was
over, I quickly attached a second phrase. The marriage, in its current state,
was over, unless we did something to save it. And I truly wanted to save it.
Arriving home from the trip, I picked up my bags and walked
through the arrival gates at Pearson International and saw my husband standing
tall waiting for me. He smiled. I smiled. He took my bags for me, welcomed me
home, and led me to the car.
We didn’t have sex that night even though we had been apart
for eleven days. We went back to our everyday way of life; him, drinking and
playing video games (in his apparent attempt to suppress his desire for
children), and me being miserable about the lack of emotional intimacy.
Five months later, he walked out of my life. In retrospect,
it really shouldn’t have surprised me at all.
TALK BACK : When did you admit to yourself that your marriage/relationship was over?
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